In order for a threesome to work, the conditions have to be just ideal, and in all honesty, there are a lot of different factors to consider when there are three individuals involved. At the relationship charity Relate, we do hear about instances in which threesomes have failed, and it is important to keep in mind that this is not an exceptionally rare occurrence. But there are also people who are in healthy, happy relationships who have brought another person into the bedroom without experiencing any difficulties as a result of doing so. While some people put it on their “bucket list” with the intention of experiencing it just once, for others, it evolves into more of a lifestyle choice in which they frequently engage in sexual activity with other individuals.
If this is something that you and your spouse are thinking about, it is important that you discuss the reasons behind why you want this with one another as well as with yourself. If you and your partner are looking for a new experience that you can share and enjoy together, starting a threesome could prove to be an exciting and rewarding journey for all three of you. If, on the other hand, the reason for your decision is because one of you isn’t feeling sexually satisfied or that you have developed a strong emotional crush on the third person and prefer them to your spouse, then you should be concerned about the state of your relationship.
In either case, it is important to be truthful with both yourself and one another. Communication is vital in all aspects of a relationship, but it becomes an absolute must in those that incorporate threesomes, foursomes, and other groupings of more than two individuals. Consider the topic of jealousy with due care and attention. Could you honestly watch your partner spend time with someone else, or would your jealousy get the better of you? Even if you believe you could handle it at the time, you may realise that it is significantly more difficult to do so in the future. Everyone is unique, and there are those people who simply cannot tolerate the idea of sharing.
It goes without saying that talking about having sex with another person and fantasising about it are two very different things from actually having sexual relations with that person. Introduce the fantasy first as a means of easing yourself into the experience, and then observe the impact this has on your sexual life. Try picturing it, talking about it while you’re both in bed together, or looking up some threesome porn to see if it gets you both excited. It’s possible that the imagination alone is interesting enough on its own, or perhaps this will prompt you to want to investigate the situation more.
After you and your partner have agreed that this is an endeavour you both wish to pursue, the next step is to consider who the third member of your group will be. It is essential to take into account the feelings of the potential participants because it is frequently more difficult than one might initially believe to find willing participants. It is recommended by some individuals to stay away from close friends and acquaintances. It’s not that friends are a completely off-limits area; in fact, there are some benefits that can come from trusting them and their sexual past. Nevertheless, it’s critical to make sure you have adequate protection.
The important thing to think about when it comes to friends is how it might influence the nature of the friendship in the long run, as well as whether or not you can trust your friends to maintain confidentiality with other people you know, if that is something you would want. If you were at a dinner party with them three months from now, would you be able to concentrate on what they were saying without picturing their “sex face”? This is a question that is asked from the perspective of pure embarrassment.
If you decide to go with the “beautiful stranger” option – someone you meet, for example, on the internet – you could want to suggest having a drink together first to see how well you get along with one another. It is better to tell the other person and your partner the truth if there isn’t any chemistry between you than to continue with an activity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Before you begin, it is important to have a conversation about the sexual boundaries you have established, specifically who is allowed to do what with whom. It is essential to have these discussions with the individual with whom you intend to have a threesome in order to ensure that you are all on the same page. This not only helps clear up any confusion that may have arisen, but it might also be considered part of the buildup. If things start to seem awkward or uncomfortable, you and your partner should agree on a code word or signal that will allow you to call a halt to the interaction.
After the event is over, schedule some time to debrief with your companion about what took place. Was it up to both of your expectations? In that case, you and your friend should have a conversation about how to move on from the event so that it does not become harmful. But if you both had a good time with it and want to give it another shot, there’s no reason you shouldn’t.
Counsellor and sex therapist Peter Saddington works for the organisation Relate. The organisation is charitable and offers sex therapy services, which can be of assistance to you if you are having issues in your romantic relationships and can help you enhance your level of physical closeness.